Opinion: Time for them to fly


I see college people. Still. After almost a month of having three of our four home for the holidays, two have yet to return to their respective campuses. And it’s about killing me.

Forgive me if I sound dramatic. I did just come off my first dance competition of the season. But seriously, enough is enough. Go away! Go back to your new friends and independent decision-making and germ-ridden dormitory bathrooms. Grab your holey jeans and mature attitudes, get on your west-bound planes, and fly back to your superior states of California and Colorado. Yes, we get it. You have sun and actual mountains and In-N-Out burgers. And OK, you’ve expanded your world views beyond boring Midwest suburbia and have developed deeply considerate opinions. Fantastic. But why do you insist on continually reminding me, your birther, of how great your new semi-adult life is now that you don’t live here? Well, guess what? Things are pretty good around here, too!

With you three gone, we enjoy more peace and quiet, a cleaner kitchen, fewer Meijer runs, and as one might expect with only your sister left, zero sibling fights. There is no jockeying cars in the morning and no spontaneous cupcake making at midnight. We don’t use subversive misdirection to acquire a precious spot in the laundry cycle. And we no longer worry where everyone is at every given moment because “out of sight” means “out of mind.” So there!

Deep breath. I only have to last a few more days, and then my obnoxious freshmen will be gone and my beautiful normal will return. But friends, how will I ever survive summer?

Peace out.

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