Opinion: Facing a banking crisis


I’m a little compulsive about credit cards, so I go to the appropriate website every morning to see what we owe and then check our bank balance. It’s a quick routine, made even easier by the facial recognition programs that eliminate the need for passwords.

But this morning, they didn’t know me.

Face not recognized. Try again

Try what again? All I did was look at my smartphone. It’s not like entering your password incorrectly. I couldn’t have entered the wrong face. OK, one more time.

Face still not recognized. Try again

Worried, I raced into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was askew; I needed a shave, and I had huge bags under my eyes. Who is that, I wondered? I didn’t even recognize myself. I combed my hair, shaved and applied a little of my wife’s foundation. This had to work. But no …

Your face it not recognized. Please use password

My wife Mary Ellen was in the kitchen having coffee. I walked over to the table.

“Who are you?” she asked. “You never look this good in the morning. I almost didn’t recognize you.”

As you may recall, my wife is very security minded. She told me that using facial recognition on my smartphone is not safe. I wondered why.

“Because, Dick, if you are robbed, the thief may just ask you to look into the phone and then he can check the balance in our bank account and what we owe on our credit cards.”

“Mary Ellen, he is going to rob me even if we only have two hundred bucks in checking.”

“It wouldn’t work for me, anyway. I’d have to wait until I had makeup on.”

I wasn’t getting anywhere with Mary Ellen, so I called my friend, Bob.

“Bob, It’s Dick. I have a problem. I’m not being recognized.”

“Of course, you haven’t been on TV in four years, and you don’t have a famous dog anymore.”

“I don’t mean recognized on the street. I mean recognized by the bank. Do they recognize you at the bank?”

“Of course, they recognize me. I’m 6-foot-4 and completely bald.”

“Look, when I wake up in the morning, I always check my balance …”

“At your age, good idea. Get out of bed slowly.”

That day I had an appointment with my barber. I brought an old photo of myself before all this trouble started. I showed it to Buddy and told him I wanted to look just like I do in this selfie.

“Dick, I can’t do that. First of all, your hair is all gray now and you have less of it, and I can’t give you sideburns.”

The next morning, I tried again, but still no luck. I tried again and again. There was only one solution.

I had to reset my face.