Opinion: Thanks for the memories, Part 2


Here is Part 2 of my yearly look back on the people, places and things that gave me ideas for my column.

  • Thanks to the website that offers cooking tips. For example, “Don’t cook your asparagus with the rubber band still on the stems.” Yes, if your spears are exceptionally chewy one night, you have discovered the culprit.
  • Thanks to the quack doctor who said he invented a mobile app that would cure acne if you held the phone to your head. He was arrested for fraud. Asked if he would serve his sentence like a man, he said, “Breaking out is not an option.” He also said his wife was worried that even a short prison sentence would jeopardize their marriage. “She’s my main squeeze,” the dermatologist told everyone. Which is not something his PR agency wanted him to say.
  • I also celebrated Indianapolis’ high ranking for cities with the most rats. The Crossroads of America (Indy’s nickname) was rated 15th, indicating exactly what was crossing those crossroads. So, the rats were rated higher than the Cubs this year. Washington, D.C., was rated fourth on the list with half a million rats — 500,535 if you count Congress.
  • Thanks to my wife, who wanted to try a new Chinese restaurant. She found one online and ordered the food. I called back to find out how long it would take to get there. “Where do you live?” I was asked. I said the north side of Indianapolis. “Oh, about six hours. Sir, you are calling a Chinese restaurant in Canton, Ohio.” “No problem,” I said. “I love Cantonese food.”
  • One morning I sliced my finger when cutting a bagel. I told Mary Ellen we had to go to the emergency room because of all the blood and white ooze coming from the injury. After some testing, the doctor told me it was cream cheese and jelly.
  • Kudos to a new chess website. First, I wanted to assess the competition. Each player has a bio online. Canty is an international grandmaster. The bio says he is very tricky and “might catch you with your pants down.” I suggest you not play him on Zoom. My favorite was Zara. Her bio says she is a good sport, loves animals, is a nonsmoker and wants to play with someone who likes romantic dinners. Hmmm, maybe she thinks she’s on ChessMatch.com.
  • I was frustrated that I can never find the TV remote, so I tied a piece of dental floss around the device and connected it to the couch leg. Great results. I don’t miss nearly as many shows and I have 34 percent less plaque.
  • In bad weather, I started jogging in Walmart and Costco, sometimes getting in as many as 6 miles on a rainy day. I only do Costco now. Walmart started charging me mileage. 

Have a great 2024!