Opinion: Life alert: Shout-out to Siri


Remember the Life Alert commercial with the elderly woman who cries, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up”? Friends, that was me the other day. Read on for a tale of AI salvation during a muscle mutiny.

I was paying absolutely no attention to engaging my core or quads when I went to lift our newly arrived meal prep delivery. An instant twinge in my lower back had me dropping the box and gingerly tiptoeing to the kitchen for drugs. But when I reached for the Aleve, I felt the muscles give way in a spasm of pain. I managed to snag the bottle before collapsing onto all fours, where even the slightest attempt to move had me groaning in agony.

Luckily, I’m excellent in a crisis. I quickly assessed my situation and determined I was pathetically incapacitated. “Hey, Siri!” I shouted at my phone. “Text Doo Wilson!” My husband Doo was purportedly in the basement. “Come upstairs now! Need help!” No response; new plan. “Hey, Siri! Call Doo Wilson on speaker!”

Doo, sounding irritated, “Yes?”

Me, trying to keep it light, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

Doo, not bothering to hide his amusement, “Hold tight. Be right there.”

And so, after multiple pills, a Salonpas patch and 40 minutes in modified child’s pose, I was mostly fine. I walked hunched over for the rest of the day and had to wave off one very concerned father-in-law who’d accidentally received my first text, but otherwise, no worse for wear.

Bottom line, dear readers? Siri is the new Life Alert, especially when you’re a middle-aged woman who’s fallen and can’t get up.

Peace out.