Opinion: Anniversary bed and breakfast fallout


It was our 43rd anniversary and I decided to take Mary Ellen to a local art show and stay downtown in this quaint bed and breakfast. My wife loves B&Bs, so I was sure she would enjoy the evening.

The owner offered to take us on a short tour of the historic building. It was quaint and rustic, and we were within walking distance of where we planned to have our dinner. All was perfect … until we saw the bed. It was not a king-size bed. It was not a queen-size bed. It was a double bed. The kind of bed many people sleep in … alone.

“Do you like the room? the proprietor said.

“I love it,” my wife, said “but where is my husband going to sleep?”

The woman looked at me and smiled.

“This is your romantic anniversary. I’m sure you will make it work.”

“Even on our honeymoon, this wouldn’t have worked,” my wife said.

Here’s why: I have a few sleep issues. I snore. I move around constantly, tossing and turning, flipping and flopping. People tell my wife she looks incredible for a woman in her early 70s. I say she’s only 40, but this is what happens when you’ve been sleep-deprived your entire marriage.

After dinner, we headed back to the B&B and prepared to turn in.

“Which side of the bed should I take?” I asked my wife.

“Underneath would probably by the best option.”

At about 2 a.m., I was having a very scary dream, and next thing I knew I had fallen out of bed.  This awakened Mary Ellen.

“That’s so sweet of you to sleep there. Now you won’t be kicking me.”

“I am not sleeping here. I fell out of bed.”

“That’s terrible. Maybe you should sleep in the middle.”

“It’s a double bed. There is no middle when there are two people. Let’s go back to sleep.”

At 4 a.m., I fell out again, pulling the pillow off with me. Seeing me on the floor, Mary Ellen got out of bed and lovingly placed a blanket over me. And there I slept — tossing, turning, snoring.

In the morning, the lady at the desk was curious.

“Some of the folks staying at the inn heard loud noises at 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Are you OK?  I hope you guys didn’t have a falling out. “

“I’m fine,” Mary Ellen said. “It was only my husband who was falling out.”

We shared our adventure at the B&B with one of our friends. We told Cathy we enjoyed our stay and that next year we would return, but we were going to make different arrangements.

“Are you going to ask for two separate beds?” Cathy said.

“No,” Mary Ellen said. “Two separate rooms.”