Opinion: Oh, deer, we’ve got mice


Mice are getting into the Wolfsie house. Not wanting to hurt the invaders, my wife purchased several no-kill traps. We did catch a couple and released them. Here is how I envision a conversation in the woods behind our home:

Mouse 1: “Hey, Myron, have you been in the Wolfsie house recently?”

Mouse 2: “No, why? Is it worth the trip?”

Mouse 1: “It’s awesome. Once you’re inside the pantry, you walk into a container and this little door closes right behind you. Inside, there is a delicious mountain of peanut butter. After you feast on it, you hear the Wolfsies walking into the kitchen before they open the pantry door. Then they pick up the container and give you a free ride back to the woods.”

Mouse 2: “Cool! So, that means you can go back for more peanut butter the next day? How dumb can they be?”

We also have a deer predicament. They are eating our hydrangeas. First, we tried a product called Deer Out, which was well named because after trying it for a month, we threw it out. Mary Ellen read that deer enjoy lettuce, so she thought we could convince the deer to dine on something other than our plants. When I nailed some lettuce leaves to a tree, Mary Ellen laughed out loud. Then she told me she read that deer really like lime Jell-O, too. Very funny.

Mary Ellen also noticed that rabbits were chewing on her new plants in the rock garden. She loved watching the bunnies, but they were destructive. If she wanted me to help her deal with this, I told her she had to dress like Elmer Fudd and say, “Wichard, you have to do something about those was wascawy wabbits!”

Squirrels were eating from our bird feeder. We tried a high-tech feeding apparatus that spins the squirrels around when the device registers excess weight. Now, the squirrels are bringing their pups to the feeder for a free amusement park ride.

We see racoons every night around dusk, although lately they have been coming out much later in the evening. Since the local mask mandate was lifted, the little bandits must be feeling a bit self-conscious.

We have a chipmunk in our air duct that runs right under the bed. This is keeping Mary Ellen up at night. Not from the scratching noises, but I keep yelling “Alvin!” when she is trying to get to sleep.

Mary Ellen and I are proud to report that no animals have been harmed after venturing onto our property — although I am concerned about the kids in the neighborhood who are climbing up the trees to snack on the Jell-O.