Opinion: Can I test-dive the submarine car?


The sender of a recent email to me identified herself as “Brand Manager, Hammacher Schlemmer.” This could have meant only two things: Trouble or Big Trouble.

In a recent column about the Hammacher Schlemmer Father’s Day gift issue, I made fun of their Kangaroo Skin Wallet (they took the only animal that could carry a wallet and made one out of him) and their life-size reproduction of an iconic Central Park bench which I said (falsely) came with squirrels and pigeons. I clicked on the email, wondering if my insurance covered lawsuits for making fun of selfie toasters or scales that tell you how fat you are — because you can’t see over your belly. To my great relief, here’s the gist of what the letter said:

“This is Ann Marie from Hammacher Schlemmer. We are very proud of our brand and appreciate your humorous descriptions of our products. So Hammacher Schlemmer would like to send you something. Can we just call it a thank you?”

Yes…YES, call it a thank you. Or feel free to call it a bribe. Whatever gets me the coolest gift.

Ann Marie then called and asked me what gift I would choose. I told her I wanted to do a little research. I googled, “Most expensive Hammacher Schlemmer Gifts” and here were three I found:

Emotive Robotic Avatar: At only $65,000, you can get it to talk, and it expresses five emotions (which might be two or three more than your significant other)/

The submarine sports car: At $2 million, the vehicle has two built-in scuba tanks, allowing you to stay underwater for two hours — something you can do with a $6 snorkel and a pair of flippers.

The fire breathing dragon: This is a remote-controlled dragon that flies 70 mph and shoots flames out of its mouth. It’s only $75,000. At that price, I assume the batteries are sold separately.

I think I’ll just request a $20 gift certificate.

Note to Hammacher Schlemmer: If you do decide to send me the $2 million submarine sports car, I promise I’ll write a funny column about it.

Current Morning Briefing Logo

Stay CURRENT with our daily newsletter (M-F) and breaking news alerts delivered to your inbox for free!

Select list(s) to subscribe to

By submitting this form, you are consenting to receive marketing emails from: Current Publishing, 30 S. Range Line Road, Carmel, IN, 46032, https://www.youarecurrent.com. You can revoke your consent to receive emails at any time by using the SafeUnsubscribe® link, found at the bottom of every email. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact