Commentary by Heather Kestian
It isn’t often I complain about anything and I rarely do that in these 400 words. Truly, if I cannot find one endearing moment or story in two weeks of living, I need to re-evaluate my life. However, I am making an exception—consider this my top Three List of Things to Consider before getting pregnant. I have learned that the real definition of a baby can be summed up in seven words: a tiny little painful miracle of nature.
Having a baby is special—no doubt. There are magical moments in pre-mommyhood, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, the fun and magical parts of pregnancy end before the baby is actually born. I imagine God files this in His “things that are hilarious” folder. Here is the list, and feel free to enjoy my pain.
1. Swelling of extremities: Here is a little known fact about me, I love shoes. But, when your feet look like footballs with sausages for toes, the only shoes that will fit your s’nausages are flip flops (inappropriate in -4 degree weather) and sneakers (that are not tied). This happens to your hands too. I love my man’s hands, but not my man hands. See the difference?
2. Waddling: There will be no commanding a room when you walk in waddling like a penguin. You might get stares or pity glances and you will immediately know the difference.
3. Decision time—heartburn or bathroom? You will likely get both and pray for them to end. I could be wrong, but it seems that heartburn is a side effect of feet jabbing your stomach. Then the baby makes some precipitous drop and the heartburn decreases (Victory is mine!) but you get a new treat, which is waddling to the bathroom every hour around the clock. Can someone who weighs less than five pounds bruise a bladder? Yes, yes they can.
Pregnancy is a funny thing. I remember saying I would do anything to get pregnant. Then, weeks (or more honestly, a month or two) before the due date, I started counting down the days to not being pregnant. There is a certain amount of humor to be found in this fast-changing perspective. I have come to discover that it is no mistake that women carry the child-bearing responsibility for humanity. After all, this kind of quick mind change pattern is completely understandable and acceptable for women.
