It’s the 2014 Gift Preview by Hammacher Schlemmer, a great opportunity to see the hottest gifts available this holiday season and a chance for me to highlight the dumbest items in the catalog. By the way, this isn’t even the Christmas Edition yet, so stand by for even more in December.
The Call Me Gloves: These gloves allow the wearer to wirelessly enjoy cell phone calls while assuming the universal “call me” gesture. Simply hold your thumb next to your ear and then talk into your pinky. This is even more effective than the basic bluetooth in your ear if you are trying to convince people you have totally lost your mind.
The Voice Clarifying TV Speaker: This is a wireless speaker for $199.00 that boosts the sounds of dialogue on your TV. Here’s another idea: how about the volume button on your remote?
The Total Body Support Pillow: This is a full-length pillow that “gives optimum support for upper and lower extremities…while cushioning your sleep position.” That would be a mattress, wouldn’t it?
The Authentic Baseball Glove Leather Chair: This is a giant handcrafted leather glove that you can sit in. Having guests over for the first time? What says welcome better than an unfamiliar hand (and a HUGE one, at that) clutching your butt while you are sipping a cocktail? We’ve all been to parties like that, haven’t we? For your weight-challenged friends, try the catcher’s mitt edition.
Kitchen Table Tennis: The children are underfoot this holiday season and you tell them to keep themselves busy so you can prepare the Thanksgiving meal. What a great time for them to get out this nifty portable ping pong set and install the net across the kitchen table or island. There are four racquets so Dad and Uncle Bud can make it doubles. Don’t we all want company in the kitchen when we’re cooking?
The Paparazzi Thwarting Visor: This is a one-way reflective visor that goes over the entire face to prevent the leering of even the most seasoned of paparazzi. So, if you are at the beach trying to avoid being recognized by your boss, you can wear it all day—as long as eating and breathing easily are not that important to you.
The Wearable Sleeping Bag: This is a sleeping bag that has arms, legs and feet so kids can move around while staying warm. Too expensive at $129.00? Go to the Target catalog. Look under flannel pajamas.
The Indoor Shuffleboard Table: On your last cruise, did you fail to convince your fellow travelers that you had no interest in doing anything strenuous or adventuresome? Now you can play the world’s least demanding sport at home and indoors. Plus, because it sits on a 24-inch-high platform, you don’t even have to bend over. The shuffleboard does require assembly. That kinda ruins everything, doesn’t it?
The Indoor Flameless Marshmallow Roaster: This is a great item to go along with the indoor shuffleboard game. In fact, with a careful perusal of the entire HS catalog, you could probably spend your entire life inside your home.
Finally, the submarine sports car. This is the first car that navigates underwater then surfaces and cruises across land. The cost is two million dollars. Looking to save a few grand? Opt for the convertible model. For some odd reason, it’s slightly lower in price.
