Opinion: All I want for Christmas


The big day approach-eth, people, and honestly, all I want is a new front door. Our current one, if not dead-bolted, allows streams of cold air into the house, occasionally producing a slight whistle. This isn’t that big of a deal except that it now requires between seven and 51 attempts to unlock, a pain in my rear at 5:30 a.m. when the dog is whining desperately to get outside. But hey, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like home improvement, am I right? Of course, this may just be me, so I’ve listed a few suggestions for the more normal lady in your life.

If she has young children, go with a serenity theme. Think massages, babysitters, perhaps a date night. Forget clothes or jewelry. Assuming you correctly guessed her size and accessory preferences (and let’s face it, that would be a Christmas miracle), they’d only be ruined by spit-up or thrown down a vent. And definitely no cooking or cleaning appliances. She is sacrificing her happiness for those soul-sucking cuties, and she does not need to spend her precious free time vacuuming or sautéing. If you can somehow manage to send her away for a long weekend to Sedona, Ariz., it will be a very happy New Year indeed.

What of the gal with ’tweens and teenagers? Three words: Noise. Canceling. Headphones. These puppies will drown out not only the hysterical screams of sisters fighting over the flat iron but also the incessant rat-tat-tat of Xbox Battlefield, volume cranked to high heaven. Pair them with a case of Chardonnay and another of Febreeze, and you’ll brighten her usually foggy days more efficiently than Rudolph.

Newly married with no kids? The wintery sky’s the limit, my man. Just about anything you buy should go over well so long as it doesn’t reflect an ulterior motive on your part. For example, when she unwraps that fifty inch flat screen and you say it’s for watching Downton Abby, she’s going to see right through your man-cave dream of hosting the boys for Monday night football. I’m not saying you can’t go for it, but trust me, if the ruse fails, the Grinch won’t have anything on your lovely bride. Better to go with a framed photo from your honeymoon.

Desperate for a last-minute gift? Chocolate is always appropriate, as are Panera gift cards. Women generally like to eat their feelings, and we feel better about doing it with Russell Stover or at a zero-playscape establishment. Of course, you can always buy her a copy of my book (www.danielle-wilson.com).

Good luck, and if you see Doo, please remind him all I want for Christmas is a new front door. Peace out.


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