Alright mommies, our day approach-eth! And because I recognize that my family, though extraordinarily attractive and talented, are not mind readers, this year I’ve once again prepared a “to do” list to help them organize the perfect Mother’s Day. No more disappointment when they forget it’s my day; no more cussing out my husband because he didn’t clean the stupid dishes; and no more wondering why I ever bore children in the first place when all they ever do is fight and whine on this most precious of Sundays. I’m taking control! So here’s my list, in all its anal-retentive splendor.
- Deliver breakfast in bed. The menu should include a tall latte from Starbucks, a sausage biscuit from McDonald’s, and perhaps a Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pie. The flush of the toilet shall be your cue.
- Assume the role of domestic servants. I expect to enjoy, throughout the day, a clean kitchen and fresh-smelling lavatories. I don’t want to have to remind someone to remove his soccer cleats from the stairs, nor do I want to receive any requests for laundry or meal prep. Uniforms are optional.
- Kennel the dog. Elsewhere.
- Be nice to each other. Nothing ruins a peaceful mood more quickly than a smack-down among ‘tweens. Take your fights outside (unless I am outside, in which case you should go to a neighbor’s before resuming your rumble). Pretend that you love each other.
- Compliment me. “You’re beautiful, Mom” or “You look skinny today” will do nicely.
- Take me out for a simple dinner and don’t throw a tizzy if they’ve eighty-sixed the chicken fingers. This isn’t about you! And please pick a restaurant that serves alcohol.
- Tuck me into bed. Ask me how my day was. Tell me to have sweet dreams. Even moms like the nighttime TLC routine.
Sure, making a list of things for your family to do on Mother’s Day isn’t the most romantic way for life to go down, but let’s face it, this is a heck of a lot safer for everyone. I know I’ll get what I want, and they know they won’t be in hot water come Monday. Spelling it all out also takes the guess work and pressure off your husband. So if you want flowers, ask for them. If you want a day entirely by yourself, plan it. And if you want to bathe in butter-smothered popcorn while enjoying a chick-flick double-header featuring Channing Tatum and his gorgeousness, than Fandango tickets today. Make Mother’s Day about you for once by doing what you do best – controlling everything and everyone around you! Peace out.