Green beans aren’t just for the dinner table

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By Lindsay Eckert

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If you’re relying on Santa to tumble down the chimney with all of your wrapped gifts, you better a get a move on! There’s only eight more shopping days left before the day of screaming and jumping little ones and wives hoping to unwrap a little box with something inside that shimmers more than the ornaments on your Christmas tree.

My dad doesn’t apply time management to holiday shopping. Sure he loves my mom, but he hates shopping and anything inside a mall, except Blondie’s cookies.

He really hasn’t done too badly on Mom’s actual gifts, he always gets her something that sparkles and ruins it with a funny card when my mom likes romantic cards, you know the ones with a lot of flowers and I love you’s.

But, when it comes to stocking stuffers, oh wow! Whether it’s time management or forgetfulness or a combination of both… for the last several years his shopping destination is my parents’ pantry or closet.

Although he has many thoughtful and kind characteristics, memory is not his strong suit. When I was little and getting ready for school I would see sandwich bags all over the house, driveway, on top of the dryer, on a step and in the garage. My mom and I started a guessing game, “Where is Dad’s lunch today?” After weeks of forgetting his sandwich everywhere inside and outside of our house he gave up on lunchbox meals.

So his nearly-comedic history of forgetfulness doesn’t help him much in the stocking stuffer department. One year my mom opened her stocking to find a can of green beans, a can of corn, an opened package of Dots with only the gross green and yellow ones left, her own pair of socks and the same card that’s been in her stocking for about five years.

My Dad opened his stocking filled with NEW socks, UNOPENED boxes of dots and, of course, a lovey dovey I love you card.

But, the man’s memory just can’t step up to the plate every Christmas Eve. He did a little better last year, an unopened box of chocolates, a borderline “mushy” card edited a tad to put some humor in there, but he still included the can of green beans.

So if you run out of shopping time, take to your closet, pantry or even your basement, it might not go over so well the first year but it gets funny, believe me.

I hope you have a ‘bean’ingful holiday!