Opinion: Now hear this


“You need to have your hearing tested,” my wife said. “I’ve told you that a hundred times.” 

 “I only remembered 60,” but maybe I didn’t hear the other 40 suggestions.

I took a hearing test online. I was instructed to wear headphones and sit in a quiet room. All the rooms in my house are very quiet — even the laundry room when I am doing the wash. Hmmm, that is a little peculiar.

I was prompted to click on a green button if I heard a sound. I clicked every single time because I realized this was just a scam to sell me a hearing aid, which I clearly don’t need. Sure enough, they called me 10 minutes after I finished.

“Mr. Wolfsie, thank you for selecting the Republic Hearing Company.”

“Wait, isn’t the election over? And I’m not Republican.”

“Sir, we are calling about the hearing test you just took online.”

I agreed to see their hearing loss professional. They sent me a form to fill out.


Why were they yelling at me in bold capital letters? I wanted to determine if I’m hard of hearing, not hard of seeing. I tried to give honest answers to the survey questions.

  •  Do others complain that you watch TV with the volume too high?

Every night, my wife comes into the bedroom while I’m watching “The Late Show” and says, “I can’t believe how loud this is.” I know she is saying that because I can read lips.

  •  Do you have difficulty understanding women?

I might have been deaf for 70 years.

  •  Can you hear people in another room?

No. That is the major reason I went into another room in the first place.

  •  Do you sometimes hear ringing in your ears?

If dog barking follows, I know it means there is someone at the door.

My audiologist appointment is next week. 

“Does he have a good reputation?” my wife asked.

 “I have no idea,” I said. “I haven’t heard a thing.”