The National Wedding Cake Coalition, the nation’s most prominent and powerful baked-goods advocacy group and cake-based organization, announced its strong and committed opposition to the many, many traffic roundabouts in the affluent suburb of Carmel, citing cake safety as a major concern.
Group spokesman Farce Stoker states, “These roundabouts, which seem to be increasing in number, may save human lives, but they represent the single greatest threat to wedding cakes in the entire state of Indiana and possibly even the whole Great Lakes Region. We’ve lost 13 cakes this month alone as drivers take the turns on those suckers and the cakes topple right the heck over.”
Stoker went on to say, “Just last week, a towering ombré fritillaria buttercream with gold foil accents, draped fondant and gros-grain ribbon was tragically lost while rounding 116th Street and Keystone. Third one there this month. The little groom on top ended up stuck in the driver’s ear, and we still haven’t found the little plastic bride. Oh, the yeasty, cakey carnage!”
Statistics provided by the National Cake and Donut Safety Board, the government watchdog group in charge of baked confection safety, show a sharp rise in cake fatalities since 2014, when Carmel began accelerating roundabout installation.
“It’s like a war zone out there for cakes. It’s literally cake hell. It’s a cake-tastrophe. I really can’t over-hyperbolize it enough. Cakes are dying by the dozens and we feel we must do something to raise awareness and end the doughy, crème-filled carnage. You should see the looks on the brides’ faces when we tell them their cake was toppled by a roundabout; it’s somewhere between a kid who’s just lost his scoop of ice cream and an angry, angry wild boar,” Stoker said. “City of Carmel – you have to do something. This just can’t go on. Our cake delivery drivers are in very real danger of an enraged bride hauling off and beating them with her tiara. “
The National Wedding Cake Coalition plans on joining forces with sister organizations the Very Full Grocery Bag Foundation and the Hastily Piled Stack of Books Association and petitioning the city of Carmel to either allow drone delivery of wedding cakes, or replace all the roundabouts (many of which are not even round, but really more peanut-shaped) with traffic signals.