Opinion: More on labor and delivery


Commentary by Danielle Wilson

Two weeks ago Current published a health piece on labor and delivery for first-time moms. Dr. Perkins provided wonderful advice, but she missed a few nuggets of information that I feel compelled to share. Disclaimer: I am not a physician, but I have played one for 17 years.

1. Throw modesty out the window. There’s no time to worry about your mommy parts being the main attraction at the freak show called Birth, so just fagettaboudit. You’ll be too busy writhing in pain or cussing out your partner to care that your OB, three med students and a custodian are all discussing your laid-bare hoo-ha.

2. Seriously consider drugs. Lots of them. And if you still decide on a “natural” birth (Though as my doc used to say, “Unless a baby comes out your nose, all births are natural!”), at least have a Plan B that prominently features federally-controlled narcotics. You can’t predict how your labor will go or how well you will tolerate it, so the best thing you can do is be open-minded about pain control. No offense to warm showers, but after five hours of Pitocin-induced contractions, it might be time to call in the big guns. I prefer the one called Epidural.

3. Prepare yourself for a C-section. The goal here is a healthy baby and a healthy you, not that your customized birth plan be followed to a tee. Make peace with this possibility.

4. As soon as your little angel arrives, start pounding the prune juice and caffeine! I actually know a woman who suffered from post-partum constipation so badly that she wound up naked on a tile floor a week out, sobbing for relief from her plugged-up bowels. Labor and delivery (and opiates) wreak havoc on your digestive system; it’s imperative to get things moving as soon as possible. Enlist the help of your nurse, demand Colace, and don’t leave the hospital until you do your doodie. (Smiley-face emoji)

I don’t remember many details about my own LD experiences; trauma does that to a person. But good luck to you! Peace out.

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