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Opinion: Holiday guidelines

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How are your holidays going? Have you lowered your expectations like I advised last week? If not, no worries. You’ve still got time to plan for the worst. Additionally, might I suggest a few additional guidelines for surviving the last two weeks of 2015?

  • Start pounding the Vitamin C now! Evil germs are out to get us all, and they can only be avoided with copious amounts of citric acid and booze. Mimosas work well!
  • Provide your spouse with an itemized gift list. Indicate exactly what you want and include a “Please do not buy” section. Trust me on this one, he/she needs to be Waterford clear on the what constitutes the perfect gift card (Target), sweatshirt (Louisville basketball, ladies small, anything black), appliance (Roomba 650 … at Target), and pair of boots (Aerosoles, tan With Pride, size 9.5).
  • Avoid the Castleton/Keystone crazy and just shop online. (I’m even thinking of switching grocery stores because I heard Kroger offers an online ordering/curbside pickup option.) Target.com, Cardinalswear.com, Zappos.com … Doo? Are you getting this?
  • Less is more when it comes to holiday decorations. So what if your yard looks slightly lopsided from the street? And if even one house in your neighborhood is rubber-neck worthy, your measly mailbox bow doesn’t stand a chance anyway.
  • Don’t be afraid to lie about prior commitments or “sick” kids. Company party got you anxious? Bow out with a doggy doo-doo accident or a forgotten bassoon concert. (That actually happened, Steve and Brian. Seriously!)
  • New Year’s does not have to be celebrated at twelve-oh-oh. Nine o’clock is midnight somewhere, and with the appropriately-coordinated enthusiasm, you can partake in the festivities and be asleep by 10. That may be the introvert in me talking, but one should never underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep, especially when beginning a whole new year!

You only have to last another 16 days. You can do it! Remember to keep your expectations as far from Norman Rockwell as possible (think Clark Griswold) and follow the aforementioned rules. Peace out!


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