Opinion: Family Feud


You won’t believe what I did over the weekend. My four sisters and I auditioned for the Family Feud! The Family Feud! And not to boast, but I really believe we have a shot at making it on to the show. Seriously, by summer, I could be blowing my fifth of a hundred grand on a Caribbean cruise!

My youngest sister Emily has always wanted to be on the Feud, and when she saw they were coming to Columbus, Ohio, my sister Christina’s hometown, she convinced the rest of us to join her. My twin flew in from L.A., another sister came from Louisville, and Em drove over from Chicago. Five gorgeous gingers, all closet actresses? Puh-lease. How could we not make it?

The actual audition consisted of a mock game between us and another family in front of two hundred other Feud hopefuls. We made a grand entrance from the back of the Radisson’s ballroom, high-fiving strangers and throwing admittedly-crooked cartwheels. Emily introduced us and then we got down to business. First question? “Name something people like to eat . . .” DING! Emily rang in and shouted “French fries!” Rachel, our host, yelled back “Eeeehhh!” She hadn’t finished. “Name something people like to eat in slices.” Fortunately our opponents responded with “potatoes”, which made no sense whatsoever. We played.

Christina said “pizza,” the number one answer on the board, and my third sister got buzzed for “watermelon” although we all felt it was a “Good answer!” My twin said “oranges” (correct) and then I drew a complete blank. Stalling, I said “Rachel. I. Am. Going. To. Go. With…Pie!” Shoo! And of course I pronounced it “pah” to emphasize my southern roots. Back to Emily, who said “apples,” and then to Christina who immediately dropped to the floor and did the worm. THE WORM. Right there, on camera. I’m sure that’s why the casting director invited us for a private interview. That and the fact that we were complete spazzes. I nearly threw a hip jumping up and down and could barely speak afterwards for all the screaming. I hope to God I never see that footage!

Upstairs, they asked for interesting facts about ourselves. Christina obviously performed the worm again (She has four kids!); my twin told of her appearance in the worst-rated Super Bowl commercial of all times (1998, Coke, Redheads, Google it); and I explained how I once sucked an eyeball from a rabbit’s skull during Air Force survival training. Pure TV gold, right?

We’ll find out in two weeks if we’ll be heading to Atlanta to tape. And rest assured, I’ll detail every minute of my rise to stardom on the Feud. Survey says, “Peace out!”

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