I’ll be honest, certain “magical creatures” are starting to tangle my tinsel and I’m not afraid to name names. This may end me up on someone’s naughty list, but the time for silence is over.
First up, the stupid Tooth Fairy. Maybe she’s super busy this month, or perhaps her nostalgia for the rockin’ ’80s has led her to the liquor cabinet more frequently than usual, but she has really dropped the mistletoe ball lately. My youngest lost a tooth two weeks ago and we’re still waiting on Madame Tooth Fairy to make an appearance. I could have sworn I heard her the first night that little molar went under Maddie’s pillow, but three mornings later, my daughter was still complaining about her absence. And when I pointed out a stray dollar at the end of her bed as evidence that the TF had indeed paid a visit, Maddie declared that that particular buck was left over from her money-counting spree the day before. Come on! Why would the Tooth Fairy break a little girl’s heart like this? Especially at the holidays? I discussed the importance of the Tooth Fairy’s return out loud the other day with my husband, and I’m pretty sure she heard me, but Maddie continues to proclaim that she has yet to receive cash. Either that TF is playing reindeer games or my daughter’s just discovered the definition of “embezzlement.”
Which brings me to my next controversial, supposedly joy-bringing seasonal visitor, Pickleknuckle, our resident elf-on-the-shelf. When he arrived six years ago, he was super-cute and funny, and would always surprise us with his inventive hiding places. Each morning brought another mystery “Where’s PK?” and a sleigh of giggles “Fishing in the toilet with Geoffrey’s toothbrush? Hilarious!” Now he’s about as exciting as Ebenezer Scrooge on a spending splurge. Sometimes he doesn’t even change his location! I won’t go so far as to call him a drunk, but a lot of wine does seem to be disappearing lately. And his eyes have taken on that glazed-over, elf-in-headlights kind of look. It’s almost as if he’s, shhh, not real. I know one thing, if Pickleknuckle doesn’t get his act together soon, he might be looking for a new family next Christmas, or worse yet, sent down to the minors where he’ll spend his golden years as an ornament. Yeah, I said it.
So Santa, if calling out your cohorts puts me on the “Not Nice” list, so be it. But perhaps you could pull off a little miracle of your own, and bring an extra three hours for every day in December. I know the Tooth Fairy and Pickleknuckle (and parents everywhere) would greatly appreciate it! Peace out!