Going Old Testament style

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I give up. Since I can’t keep some people from biblically justifying their discrimination against homosexuals, I’ve decided to simply give up and join their ranks. Of course this means I’ll limit my understanding of marriage to the Old Testament passage which describes marriage as “between a man and a woman.”  And since I’ll now believe God’s word is unchanging for all eternity, I’ll have to also believe (and act on) the other 613 ancient Jewish laws expressed in the first five books of the Old Testament.

Per the book of Leviticus, I’ll have to have multiple wives, hire some slaves and breed with them. My wife probably won’t like this, but her opinion will count for less, once she’s part of a large group of wives – as opposed to her current status as my only wife. Since I won’t be allowed any contact with a woman during her menstrual period (again, per Leviticus), I should be able to sleep with at least one of my wives every night. I wonder how I’m supposed to keep track of my wives’ bodily schedules. Perhaps I’ll have them write it on the calendar on the ‘fridge.

Exodus forbids me from working on the Sabbath, lest my neighbors kill me. But since murder is still against the law here in Carmel, I should be OK popping my head in the office after church once in a while.

I’ll have to say goodbye to my barber, as cutting my hair is expressly forbidden. If nothing else, I’ll be ready for the next Woodstock concert.

I won’t be able to “approach the altar of God” with a defect in my sight. I do wear glasses for distance, and I do sing in my church choir, which is located very close to the altar. Leviticus doesn’t specify a distance in terms of feet (or cubits or fathoms or nautical miles or what have you), so I may have to clear this one with my pastor.

My wives and slaves won’t be able to wear garments made of two different types of thread. If they do, I’ll have to corral the neighbors to stone them to death. I hope it’s okay if the neighbors involved in the stoning have recently had their hair cut.

I don’t know much about farming, but if I see where a farmer has planted two different crops in the same field, I wonder if I’m obligated to stone him the way I am when my wives wear cotton/polyester blends.

And while we’re on the subject of agriculture, since Leviticus forbids my touching the skin of a dead pig, how the heck am I supposed to play football now? I guess I can always use the rubber or plastic toy footballs, but they just don’t feel the same to me.

This strict adherence to ancient biblical law is going to be tougher than I had anticipated. I love my kids very much, and I really don’t want to sacrifice them to the Lord. Maybe I can burn a bull on the altar instead. I think I can do that without wearing my glasses.

Hmmm. Methinks this anti-gay-marriage thing is going to be a little more complicated than I bargained for. Perhaps I’ll stick with my belief that God loves everyone equally, and doesn’t discriminate based on sexual orientation. It might be easier to become a strict Constitutionalist, whereby I’ll believe that all arms should be legal at all times with no restrictions whatsoever. Now, how do I convince my neighbors to help me form a militia?


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