Understanding follows empathy

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By CJ McClanahan

 

A couple of years ago, my 7-year-old son and I were having a discussion about the amount of time he spent watching TV and playing video games.

I argued that he needed to spend more time playing outside. Ian disagreed, and instead of simply telling him to go outside, I put on my “coaching” hat and attempted to help him see that he was incorrect.

I created a spreadsheet complete with graphs that clearly illustrated the disparity between TV/video games and outside play.  I was certain that Ian would understand the clear story being illustrated by the data.

He looked at me like I had lost my mind.

In an attempt to influence, most people craft an argument that makes complete sense in their own mind. And when the other person remains unmoved, they claim, “I can’t understand why they don’t get my point!”

Human beings are a little selfish, and we assume that everyone processes information the same way.

But they don’t.

Everyone has a filter through which they process data. This filter is influenced by two specific factors – genetic hard wiring and life experiences. Because everyone has a distinctive background, we all have a unique filter, and this ensures that most will look at the same set of facts from a slightly different viewpoint.

If you are interested in influencing someone else, you need to first empathize with that person. This comes naturally to some people – nurses, your pastor or maybe a family counselor.

Unfortunately, the typical professional (especially me) struggles to imagine life from a perspective other than their own. Assuming you fall into this category, here are some questions you should ask yourself before engaging with somebody else you are hoping to influence.

What is their background? What do you believe are they hoping to achieve? Are they having a stressful day, week or month?

Even if you have no idea how to answer these questions, this process will turn your attention away from what you want to accomplish and will alter your entire approach to the conversation.

As with most things in life, the solution is simple.  All you need to do is execute.


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