So, you think you’re hot stuff in an Oreo competition? Go ahead, tell us how quickly you can twist the cookie into two pieces, the speed with which you can lap off the icing with your tongue and the artistry and finesse with which you dunk the halves in milk and pop them into your mouth.
But as far as I’m concerned, the Oreo business is strictly amateur stuff. Real talent shows up only when you tackle a butter cookie. Eating a butter cookie takes a level of concentration and professional nerve control usually found only in astronauts dodging a meteor storm.
A butter cookie, of course, is shaped like a flower with a hole in the center. The competition begins when you set the box on the table. Each contestant takes out a cookie and carefully examines it for cracks that might cause it to crumble.
Next, gently but firmly slip the cookie onto your little finger. It’s got to be a solid fit, but apply too much pressure, and it’s all over.
Next, start nibbling carefully in a circle, slowly reducing the size of the cookie. Most competitors start out with large bites to quickly cut the cookie down to size. Then delicately, with surgical precision, they nibble the cookie away until the slimmest ring remains on their finger.
Either contestant can call the game when they think they’ve got the smallest ring. If they do, they win. Winners, of course, get free cookies.
Think it’s easy? Try it. I used to beat my sister three out of five. Sadly as I grew older, my finger got too big and I was forced into retirement. But sometimes I still think about the good old days when I was the reigning butter cookie champion. Heady wine indeed.